All the way back in 2019, I accidentally made a successful videogame. I was still a teenager when this happened and I quickly noticed that I didn't belong in this industry at all.

To start with, I never set out to sell anything. All I did was make a videogame I wanted to play. I think I spent most of its "development" fucking around with what I had created. I was a child, so my game was immature, vulgar, and simple. I don't even like gore. A schoolfriend persuaded me to publish the game on Steam for money. I was initially against this. My intention was to put the game out there for free. But this guy... he had a good mind for finances. So I trusted him and did as I was told.

I remember he asked me how many units I think I'd be selling. Right before I replied with "none", he quickly added "And you can't say zero". Great... I replied with "six". He estimated six hundred. I laughed in his face.

I put the game on Steam in an embarrassing state. Still, suddenly I was able to provide for the people I loved. Good timing too because my academic prospects were looking bleak. Not because I'm an incapable moron (I am) but more so because I can't do a lot of things that normal people don't think about. Luckily I didn't have to worry about all of that any more. Even my paid internship income was totally eclipsed by the money that People Playground was generating for us.

At the time I was really enjoying working on the game and watching players have fun. Even on the worst days, I knew I could lose myself in adding random bullshit features to this game. I can't go into detail, but everything around me was grim bullshit devoid of colour, and PPG was a bright flame.

I say all this because I don't want to understate just how much the monetary benefits helped my situation back then. Still helps. Don't think I am downplaying the value of money.

I really hate when groups of people project their interests onto me. Especially if they use that assumption to judge my behaviour, or to somehow support yet another assumption they've made.

My creations were not and will never be motivated by money, popularity, status, or attention. I understand that this sentiment is shared often, and is commonly seen as "virtuous". So when I say that I don't care about seeming virtuous, it doesn't really seem reliable. That itself could be said to come across as selfless. But I'm not selfless or virtuous. No matter how hard I try (AND I'VE TRIED), I just can't seem to give a fuck about any of these things. This is bad news, because I can't run a business like this. That'd be fine by me because I hate the idea of running anything.

Unfortunately, I have to. Money is an instrumental goal. I have interests that I really do care about, like knowing the people I love are somewhat comfortable.

I cannot run a business. It HURTS to "advertise" or to think about anything I make in a market context. I frequently receive emails from companies promising to "increase exposure" or "expand [my] audience". I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to sell anything. I can't stand profit driven behaviour at all. I fucking hate it.

I know, online, it's often said that people hate game companies because they only care about money. Waa, waa, microtransactions, ads, battlepass, etc. But in reality, they love that shit. Everyone plays these "soulless" games despite the criticism and broad consensus that passionate gamedevs are based and epic.

The truth is that passion doesn't provide players with what they want. They want constant updates, merch, more players to play with, bugfixes, etc. They want constant attention that they feel like they are owed for eternity because they paid €15 for a videogame. However much they don't want to admit it, that is capitalism.

A far cry from the wholesome passionate dev type shit they claim to like. I make art because I like making art, and this makes me a worthless game developer.

I have no drive to make the biggest, best, most successful, most popular, best-selling game in the slightest. I get so many messages from people warning me about "clones" of my game or whatever, and how they're more popular, as if this would mean anything to me. It doesn't make me feel anything. I promise I don't care. They can overtake me, eclipse me, siphon "my players" away. It doesn't matter to me in any sense. I need to emphasise that this isn't something to be proud of.

Naturally then, I regret putting a price tag on my game. Having done so essentially meant I consented to all of this. I am an irresponsible moron. I don't belong in this space, but now I can't leave.